Guthrie Theater

We're in the middle of the third week and I'm in this weird phase of rehearsal where at moments it feels like I really know the play and the choices I've made and I feel confident.  And at other moments, it feels like we've just begun rehearsals, everything feels brand new, and the words suddenly seem to mean something completely strange and new and bizarre - like I've never heard or said them before.  It's the point at which I realize just how much more there is to know and learn.  It's the point at which the Russians decide they are going to rehearse for another year.  ...It's the point at which Americans decide to open the show. 

I don't think I ever used to have this bizarre moment, actually.  I think this is a relatively new phenomenon in my artistic life.  It's only been the last few years or so:  these moments where I suddenly start to question and doubt everything.  I guess at its simplest level it's just a lack of confidence and subsequently concentration.  I never used to have these kinds of doubts.  I suppose that famous youthful invincibility was at work.  But as the years pass, my mortality has made itself known and I realize that, actually... the show WON'T always go on.   If I mess up badly enough, the show can actually just stop and everything would be a train wreck.  I mean, no one would die, and the earth would stay on its orbit.  But it would be excruciatingly terrifying and awful - to be up on stage without the ability to continue.  I've experienced a moment like this before and it is something very very hard to bounce back from.  Once you've been face to face with the devil, he is hard to forget. 

Ahhh - ok, it's a few days later and I'm through that phase, thank God... (although the next wave of fear and doubt  looms not far on the horizon, we can pretty safely rest assured!)

It's now the end of the week and we're onstage, adjusting our rehearsal room version of the play to fit the space and set.  And it's all clicking very well so far and feels very right.

Um, ok, so it's official.  I've fallen in love... With our set.  I don't want to speak too soon...but I think it might be "the one."  I blush even writing about it.  That's how gorgeous it is.  Yeah, we're definitely going to run away together.  There are parts of it that the audience can't even see that are breathtaking - so incredibly deep and layered and artful.    So, hat's off to Todd Rosenthal!  He'd win another Tony for this one if we were on Broadway.

We've moved into our new homes (the dressing rooms).  And we'll start adding costumes during tech rehearsals this coming week.  It will be great to be in the clothes - especially since I've worn out the clothes I brought here to rehearse in.  Literally - I've ripped seams and stretched skirts ‘til they are unusable.  It's a very physical role!  There will be a certain amount of makeup needed to cover some unsightly bruises I've collected. 

I haven't written a lot in this blog about a sort of deeper inner process that we actor types go through - the place where the real art happens (ha! - IDEALLY, at least, where the real art happens!).  But largely that is because...well, honestly, it's mostly because it's private and can't (and shouldn't) really be shared.  It's also difficult to put that sort of thing into words.  Jackson Pollack or Van Gogh could probably speak (although I'm not sure they did) about the more technical aspects of their work: how they apply paint and with what instruments, their inspirations, maybe the location in which they work and what they eat for breakfast, etc.  But as for the true art that's coming out of their souls and ends up on the canvas...well, that cannot be put into words.  If it could, I suppose the painting itself would be unnecessary. 

Oh for the love of God, someone please stop me before I get any more pretentious.  (Did I actually just compare my process to Van Gogh's??)  I need to get over myself and go watch an episode of the Daily Show... 

By this time next week we'll have started previews, but will still be in rehearsals during that time, so I'll check in with you one more time before this blog goes the way of the dodo!

Hope your week's full of poetry and yummy food.